In my attempts to be more offline this summer I've been getting back into writing for personal reflection, not just professional content. While I was never an expert in poetry, this one felt raw and real enough to be worth sharing.
Integration
I felt something missing.
Separated in little parts inside of me
that no longer communicate — no longer hold coherence.
Am I still who I used to be?
Did I become who I planned to?
Or is this just another temporary thing?
What are the words that define me?
And which identity is safe enough to show the world?
Which version of the story do I share?
Is the truth too much for those who care?
Little questions.
Little fractions.
Reactions. Fragmentations.
Secrets I kept. Needs unmet.
Reflections. Retractions.
Stopping anything from having traction.
I'm not sure how it started.
I'm not even sure when.
Maybe this part doesn't fit here.
Maybe it's too personal.
Or too vulnerable.
Don't overthink.
Don't overshare.
Keep it quiet.
Keep it close.
Be capable.
Be strong.
Go on.
I don't want it to feel wrong.
We all have different faces we show the world.
Which one is truly me?
Am I the person I wanted to be?
Or am I someone else that she's become?
Has the real me come undone?
Where do I fit?
When will it hit?
That pain, that cold —
The hollow pause putting my life on hold.
Interrupted.
Disrupted.
My whole story misconstructed.
Integration.
Restoration.
Moving off self-preservation.
I just need this next chapter to have space.
I need to feel the embrace
Of all my parts becoming one.
And it begins here.
I am the daughter that is not there.
The sister who couldn't stay.
Who fell astray
Because her dreams were far away.
I am a soul stuck in retention
Of people that were lost
Without intention.
I am the high achiever
Without the full potential.
The professional.
The leader.
The founder.
I am the mother who didn't birth —
But heavens, how on earth
Could this role be any stronger?
I am the giver,
Not the receiver.
Who simply couldn't live in one dimension.
I am the combination of all,
In an isolation of one.
Who breaks herself into little pieces.
And now she sees, she cares,
And deeply wishes
That all her little parts would come undone —
So once again she can become one.
A whole soul in full integration.
If you've been playing with different parts of you too, I hope you find a way to integrate all the pieces. And live a life where you can be whole.